track 1, “stomach ache”
This is the story behind my upcoming track “Stomach Ache.” It’s a perfectly coherent blog and you’ll have no trouble following along.
I’ve spent about 90% of my adult life sucking in my ribs and pretending I’m not bloated. Because 90% of my adult life, I’ve been bloated.
As someone who is very deeply identified with my weight and appearance, this has been a loud echoing “WHY ME!” in my life. C’mon , God. These jeans fit yesterday…
Yes, I went down Internet and medical rabbit holes, trying to fix the problem, figure out what I was potentially allergic, sensitive, scared of- the root cause of the ongoing inflammation remains a mystery. I’ve been poked, probed, swallowed what I swear to God was just wet chalk, ultra sounds, colonoscopies, colonics, FODMAP diets (to be fair, I never gave that a fair go)
I’d get excited about a new try it diet and last precisely 2 hours. Then it was Fatburger for this lacking in all life skills skinny bitch.
Did I write a song about my irritable bowel syndrome? I mean, kind of…
I remember the exact moment I ever felt a stomach ache. I won’t go into the details, I was young, like 8? We were camping, I had just tried to tell my mom and her friends something bad that had happened to me- and they all but told me to hush hush, that sounds inappropriate, don’t talk about that. It was the 90’s. I don’t have another excuse for why they responded this way.
I also know, my memory is not an objective transcript of what went down. Ever.
And I remember, with a birds eye view oddly enough (all of my memories are out of body, watching a movie of myself with the camera on the ceiling) kind of keeling over onto a big boulder as this novel jabbing stabbing pain just hit me in the gut and I grabbed my toros and kind went into a lazy , dying leap frog pose. I had some sort of eight year old epiphany, something like “I will never forget this moment”. Look at that. True to my word.
This would also be the day I was so graciously introduced to anxiety. It was indeed anxiety, that pit in my stomach, that threat in my throat- anxiety would make itself nice and cozy , right at home, inside my gut flora and flower into the manic, spiralling and cortisol crazy lady I have grown into.
We have fun.
Stomach aches are anxiety; anxiety is my stomach aches. While I still don’t like admitting this, I know that the brain gut connection while underplayed in western medicine- is really all that’s going on. Sorry FODMAP.
I learned a valuable lesson that day: do not tell people when bad things happen. No one wants to hear it. Swallow it down, pile onto the existing ache and move on.
Dealing with the source has meant learning how to truly communicate; I can speak, sure, I’m good with words and people listen. But only I know when I’m actually communicating what I intending to- you can sense if you’re editing or fact checking while you speak- and while there’s nothing wrong with humility and admitting your blind spots, there is a guttural sensation of speaking with authentic integrity. And you’re the only judge of this.
I’ve felt betrayed by words I’ve spoken, and betrayed by my body, because of course I have, I’m 34 years old. I’ve got some stories.
Having a stomach ache (being sick) had a silver lining: it meant all the rules that I lived under, all the religious confusion and conflicting moral lessons, the inconsistent strictness for strictness sake- went out the window, and we all just go to be a big happy family, watching Everybody Love Raymond on DVD, late on a school night, everyone piled onto the couch. This would usually be a massive no-no, — no secular TV, no staying up late — but hey! We’re sick! Pass the puke bucket and load Season 3, Disc 5!
I learned to love being sick. And not in the shadow work sense of making peace with your darkness- I was a child! Anxiety was my closest companion. My familiar friend. At this point her roots were deep and I fed her often. She would never leave me or forsake me. But like just Ariel, the cost was my voice.
When the BIG ONE came for me- when I bled — I mean — blossomed- into womanhood- that had a field day on my already delicate system. I was out for a month- low iron meant, no school, meant no field trip to Canada’s Wonderland. It was okay with this. I was happy to sit out forced fun on rickety death traps- I didn’t like missing out and was generally confused on my changing body.
Sorry, Nat, what is this song about? You being sick all the time, your parents only listening to you and loving you when you’re sick, so staying sick became a strategy? and it’s about your first period?
You got it!
Not using your voice- not saying what you mean- being so out of touch with your actual desires- you had no idea what a real desire was-
this causes cramping. Metaphorical and otherwise. Swallowing it all down will cause you to want to rip out your tongue- when you misuse your language, when you abuse your ability to stay silent, or when you speak and say the wrong thing- AGAIN- you want to rip it out, and yourself a new one.
Swallow all of it down- its no wonder I had a stomach ache since I been 15. But man, you bet I can regurgitate John 3:16.
Out of touch with myself but I could vomit out any given bible verse when called upon. That’ll …help.
It did. It truly does. But I’ve taken the long way around to get there.
The song kind of wanders off into a bit of a self righteous take on Jesus’ work on earth, as you do, as you do…he never said worship me. He said follow me.
Say what you will about Jesus, this man did not mince words. He said what he meant, even though half the time what he meant was embedded in a parable that we’re all still arguing about- he might not have always been clear but he was concise and he had conviction. He was a human being and I bet he occasionally had a stomach ache. I find this comforting. He said follow me.
Jesus feels like a soft spot to land right now. I am learning to find my voice, to use it, to breathe thru the stomach aches, to harness my tongue and it’s power.
It has helped me, with uprooting my anxiety and trying to part ways with her, to return to my faith. To return as a transformed person, including all my experience leading up and back to it. The thing that used to feel part of the reason I had no voice has become the catalyst for finding it.
So I’m following it down. Deeper and deeper and deeper, until I get real small- until I’m 8 , 7, 5- until I’m only small. Get underneath it all.
The idea of a stomache ache feels universal; relatable and yet so individual and unique to each person. I hope this song makes you feel something- anything, really! Nostalgic, compassionate- I’ll even take confused and a little turned around. I love inspiring emotion, the full spectrum of feelings. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy the song when it comes out December 5, 2025.
God bless you!
