am i just waiting to die.
So. I am loosing motivation. I just started writing this and I already want to stop. All the things that are routine, that I know I need to do, are only being appreciated in hindsight, in the after math.
I enjoy working out only when I am winding down for the day, I remember that I did it, and I get that dopamine boost of , good job Nat. But while I am actually doing it, I am being so lazy. So barley present. Stopping the round with 5 seconds left, lifting lighter than I , not pushing myself, skipping the cooldown, sometimes stopping it 10 minutes before; I can hear the voices saying, your current routine is stale and you’ve plateaued- it’s time to switch it up, learn a new skill, introduce a freshness to it. This is fair, I’ve been using the same YouTube channel for 3 years now.
I am stubborn against the idea that I need to change because overall this program fits my lifestyle, I do it from home, it’s free, and I enjoy it alot in theory.
But I am brain dead, I am not engaged, I am waiting for it to be over.
And this is where it goes beyond simply needing to switch up my exercise game-
I AM WAITING FOR IT TO BE OVER
essentially sums up my daily mantra, in most, if not all, my activity, save for the PURE DOPAMINE IV PORTALS- Binging youtube videos about the most polarizing and absurd political topics, while maintaining to the public that I have little to no interest in politics or world news, getting very high, every night, every , single , fucking , night, and watching Star Trek. I used to pride myself so heavily on my ability to abstain and deprive.
Quick aside: I know where this comes from. I abstained from sex for 24 years, with so , much, pride. Even though my theological and spiritual convictions were lacking and truly laughable, I took so much satisfaction and delight in the fact that I was saying “No” to what all of my peers were saying “Yes” to. In my mind, I was stronger and better than them. I was not the status quo. This may be the single most important thing to this character of Natalie I have so carefully built. It kept me special, and in a way, made me more desirable- I know this from direct testimony and just observing the way I could drive men crazy with the maintenance of my virginity, while flirting and blurring the line with them. So- my history with practising ‘not doing things’ (vs. a reputation of being a ‘doer’- much more active, more engaged in life, more drawn to new experiences- this describes my brother-) affirms why these values, while no longer applied to sex, thank-you-so-much, still exist. As does my commitment to taking a fundamental approach to things that do not necessity such an approach (anything) . Same song, different chorus. Same principles and habits, different cult.
So. Who have I become, and when did this happen. I know I was overdoing the deprivation, back in the beginning of 2020 when I was overexercising and barley eating anything ( with deep pride ) as well as practising toxic comparison to the people around me who, say, were not exercising, who were drinking a little more, or at all, or smoking weed- while they were high on drugs, I was high on my horse, judging and sizing up all the peasants around me. It’s lonely at the top, let me tell you.
My motivation to deprive was rooted in comparison. I couldn’t be like them, I couldn’t give into pleasure, pleasure was earned by suffering, and even then, you only experience pleasure in small doses. These commoners who surround me, disgust me, but I also need them, otherwise, how would I feel so superior. Comparative superiority, my new dogma.
On the flip side of this, I was actually very sensitive to dopamine. When I would indulge, eat the dessert (just a bite, mind you, oh, thanks, I’m good, that’s really all I wanted…asshole..), have a beer- it was so sensational, so sensual, and if I pushed past the guilt, it was so amazing. So much pleasure from such little stimulation, such a small amount of source supplying copious amounts of gratification.
I’ve lost that. And while I needed to cut it out with the holier than thou bullshit, I was actually, objectively, thriving in a sense. I was challenging myself, I was pushing myself, I was doing 5 more minutes when I thought I couldn’t take 10 more seconds, I wasn’t giving in to the voices, I was saying No to over-indulgence, I was disciplined as fuck.
I lost it. I have since found a deeper, more grounded sense of self that is NOT rooted in comparison and superiority, I think, I hope, I pray —
but in that process I seem to have lost the discipline. I miss it so fucking much.
I’m not not disciplined. I just realized that my sick motivation before, which no longer serves me because I see through it, may have been my strongest driving factor.
If I no longer care if I’m the fittest, hottest, most deprived person in the room, then why am I doing any of this?
I need to find a deeper source of motivation. One that doesn’t rely on others’ bad habits to paint my habits at good.
I’m a sick fuck, eh. SooOooOoOOoo special.
I do my things. I walk my dog, I lift the weight. With a minimal attention span and a constant, is this over yet, attitude. In everything. Because my brain is now trained, like a good little monkey, it knows, once I get through my bullshit tasks, night will fall, and what does night mean.
It means I smoke a ridiculous amount of weed. It means I smoke myself into a coma and turn on the TV and disappear. It means I eat a frat-worthy array of snacks with no guilt and a pure blissed out state.
This is not terrible. I do this every night, essentially. Every night I am left to my own devices.
Am I afraid of sobriety? Do I worry that a night of sober sleep, reading my book before I fall asleep in my bed, with the lights out , as opposed to the couch, where it just hits different…
I am afraid. It boils down to, I have a huge dopamine dependancy, I am addicted to getting it large, unnatural quantities, and so the ‘work hard’ dopamine, which comes in a smaller, more natural dose, and is more sustainable (a balanced meal and hydration vs a mouthful or sugar, or too much coffee) — but I have no tolerance for that delayed gratification.
I have become a stranger to myself in this regard. I am so sad. I want my discipline back, so bad, so much that I feel myself willing to go back to the way I was, comparing and contrasting, measuring my successes against the humans around me, counting others’ losses as my win- I feel myself saying, it was worth it. You were better.
No, I wasn’t. I was miserable and alone.
There must be a balance. I want to meet myself in the middle. I’m not sure what specifically and practically needs to change, and I am willing to try anything. Anything? Maybe not. I’ve been reading about these dopamine detoxes
Maybe I try that….
Practical ideas.
- Weed. Could JUST STOP IT, but cold turkey usually leads to intense relapse. And I don’t want to never smoke weed, I love it, I like where my thoughts go and the lack of worry . So. Make some rules around it. a) don’t smoke on school nights. b) when you do smoke on school nights (accounting for grace here), don’t smoke alone. c) when you do smoke on school nights alone, don’t obliterate yourself. d) when you do smoke on school nights alone and obliterate yourself, go to bed. don’t further indulge in more dopamine, call it a night. e) on weekends, still try to smoke in a social setting. if you smoke alone, force yourself to do something creative- get on the piano, do art. TV/eat/veg- you usually feel like shit.
- Screen Time- a) go back to charging phone in the living room, get an alarm clock, or a sad lamp/light alarm thing so the first sound of your day isn’t coming from a device, b) don’t watch shit posts and videos about nothing, or videos that spread division and hate, if you are going to watch stuff, try and learn something.
- LEARN NEW THINGS. Sign up for Tantra fitness, you’ve been saying that for years. Take piano lessons, learn a new cover song every week, use your brain or you will loose your brain. Real life doesn’t have tests and semesters; you aren’t in school any more, chose what you want to learn and commit to learning it, full in, no skipping steps or fast tracking.
- Drop the, are we there yet, is it over yet, attitude. This will come naturally as you reset your dopamine clock.
- Above all, and in this paradoxical conclusion, have so much grace for yourself. In your efforts to be more disciplined, don’t lose the softness you’ve found in yourself. In your maintenance of softness and grace, remember you crave discipline- both can coexist, it’s swimming in the grey, it’s letting yourself morph and change.
I need to let go of how I was 3 years ago. She’s gone. I’m here. I can do this, we can all do this , it’s really hard, and I know nothing.
